Surviving..

What a crazy few months it’s been! My new job has been incredibly hectic and I feel continually exhausted after dealing with crazy teenagers all day… teaching is definitely not for the faint hearted, no wonder so many are leaving in droves! On top of that, the ones that remain in the profession seem to be the ones that are in it to career climb… so instead of developing relationships and making it about teaching, there’s a lot of negative politics and unfortunate back stabbing. 

I try to stay out of it of course, but there seems to be so many ways we are asked to waste time that it’s been getting ridiculous 😖🙈 

This term in particular is the worst of course, lots of coursework and mock exams etc… which of course is expected and fine… however the constant scrutiny is frankly nuts! Seems like there’s always a member of slt round the corner, busy telling staff that they are just not working hard enough… it does not make for a good work environment ☹️

My kids, really struggled initially to settle in their new school, there were so many tears all round 😭😰😢 my poor son was heartbroken to leave his old school and he found the new one too big. Thankfully, they have settled a bit more now and seem to have made more friends… am keeping my fingers crossed that their experience stays positive!

Withe regards to the divorce there’s been no movement 😠 husband seems reluctant to sign forms and his parents have continuously requested my parents to speak to me and convince me to return to their city, lol! They all feel I should move back, even if I don’t want to stay married, so that they can see the kids. In return they will pay for my rent! 😂 what a ridiculous proposition. Didn’t take me long to say no to that one!

What has been difficult though has been access arrangements, my Ex (Imz) refuses to travel to meet the kids, since we have been here he has only travelled down once… that’s once since we moved in august! Apparently it’s too difficult to drive down… however, in the meanwhile he has driven up and down the country participating in races! Selfish git. Instead he moans and continuously tries to emotionally blackmail me into handing the kids over for all the holidays… bloody ridiculous. 

I’ve always said he can speak to the kids anytime, but of course he objects to the fact that they aren’t constantly available as they do clubs and after school lessons. He blames me for the distance in his relationship with them, but in the meanwhile, he barely calls them, never visits them and then gets angry if they don’t pay attention to what he’s saying. 

Between work, kids and home, I’ve been feeling completely overwhelmed… and it’s going to get worse when parents go off on holiday and I have to sort out child care etc ☹️ 

I’m hoping this year will lead to some positive changes… hopefully we will all learn and grow and adapt… hopefully I will be further along in my journey to be free 🐛🦋

Money, Money, Money…

Soo the big day of the move came and went, I am now all settled (for now) in my parents house but the stress, hassle and expense involved in moving has been crazy 😁

It seems that there’s just been non-stop expenses, between buying new furniture (desk, bookshelves cupboard), removal men, evicting the tenant, buying a New computer (old one stopped working) and now… The worst one of all, cost of renovations for my rental house, it seems the house will need £3500! 😱 crazy amount of money to spend, but with a lack of buyers, the only option it seems is to stick the place back on rent.

I also seem to have paperwork coming out of my ears with all the address changes, insurance policy renewals and changes, forms relating to new job and new school (for kids) as well as documents required by my solicitor (I have finally chosen one!) 

On the positive side, next month should be a lot cheaper so I’m hoping I won’t end up in debt…

“Don’t worry”

I think I am fairly sick and tired of hearing various people tell me “not to worry”. I am not one of natures worriers and often have a fairly laid back attitude. However, with an impending separation, it seems prudent to plan ahead and make sure I will be able to make ends meet. What then annoys me is that when I try and talk out possible expenses with those close to me, they inevitably respond with “don’t worry, it will sort itself out” 

This is not helpful, it doesn’t help me feel less stressed or any less worried about my future. I am moving to another city, one that is far more expensive compared to where I currently live as I need my parents support with my children. I have no idea how my income will stretch to support all my new possible expenses and have been researching new avenues.

I am aware I will get some child maintenance, however my husband is unwilling to talk about it other than to say “later”. I understand he is also stressed, but I am the one who’s moving out with the kids… He almost seems to think I’m off on a jolly! I had enough today though and told him if he doesn’t talk to me about it by the end of the day, I will contact csm. Moving date is so close now that every penny counts 😖

Wth!?

So I spent months and months speaking to my tenant and asking her to find another place herself as the eviction process is not pleasant, and is also expensive.

She decided to ignore me of course as she wanted council housing, so I spent lots of money and time and have finally got a bailiffs notice to evict her. So she texts me today and asks me for my contact details to put down for a reference! The bloody cheek!! And her reason was “oh but don’t you want me to leave quicker?” Lol! At this point it doesn’t matter to me! I’ve already spent all the money required to evict her! Cannot believe she thought it was ok to ask me for a reference after putting me through that!? Plus I’ve always been a great landlord to her, she’s lived in my place for 8 years and I have never put the rent up once, always carried or repairs quickly and always communicated well.

I definitely will be glad to see the back of her, what goes round, comes around and I have no doubt that she will get her comeuppance!

Sadly the house seems to have dropped in value according to the house price index, seems it’s not worth my while selling it so may well evict her and rent out at a higher price instead 🙂

On the marriage/divorce front, my husband has finally come around to the idea of me and the kids leaving and living in another city, I also managed to convince him to attend our first MIAM. We have our second mediation session this week and I  am looking forward to getting things a bit sorted.

I feel like there’s been an overload of paperwork recently and I am feeling a bit overwhelmed with it all 😞 seems there’s so much I need to get done on my own 😁 it’s making me anxious and affecting my sleep 😦 wish I could fast forward to next month…

End of an Era…

So! I have finished my last day at my old job and the kids have finished school…  Which means it’s time to focus completely on what happens next..

Figuring out when to move out has been difficult as it seems there is so much to get done 😁 initially I thought it might be a good idea to move myself and the kids out while husband was away… But thankfully I came to my senses.

The truth is, as much as I don’t like the person my husband is, he is still the father to my kids and so for their sake I want us to have an amicable relationship so that he can continue to be a part of their lives.

It’s taken some convincing and after much drama, he has finally decided to go to a MIAM. We have our first appointment tomorrow and I’m actually a bit excited about it. I’m looking forward to entering the next stage of my life, but need to cut my ties with him without losing too much money along the way!

Speaking of which, how do people decide on a solicitor? I have no idea who I should appoint, they all seem so expensive 😁😖

Well, fingers crossed for tomorrow… Maybe in a few weeks time I will finally be ready for the move 🙂

Peace and anxiety

It feels like there is so much that needs doing and yet many more hurdles that suddenly appear… Although I take a methodical approach and try and tackle things one at a time, I’m clearly still feeling the stress internally as its affecting my health, my skin is breaking out, my period has become irregular (never happened before in my life!) I’m getting headaches and feeling constantly tired…

To try and cope with this better, I have tried to increase my quality “me-time”. The last 2 days in particular have helped a lot to refocus my energies 🙂

With regards to actually moving… Well there seem to be many issues surrounding the rental house, the biggest of which is that the tenant wants to be evicted and so it’s going to cost more time and money to make it happen. The house itself is in a cheap area and I won’t get anything back other than my deposit… But I just want to sell it so I can be financially free to move to another city. 

Recently, the solicitors told me that there was an issue of “dates” on the notice given, so they need to give another 3 weeks before actually proceeding 😦 on the other hand so far I’ve had no interest from anyone about buying the place… It seems it will be difficult to meet my July deadline 😁

Work has also been stressful, although now that I will be leaving I try not to let it affect me… But the constant incompetence from my boss can be difficult to deal with 😳

On a positive note, I have been investigating other avenues of income and may have found something I like… Let’s see if it works out 🙂

One step at a time… And breathe!

It’s the Easter holidays at the moment and I have decided to visit my family for the duration.

The kids and I came down on the train on Saturday, it’s Monday night now and the husband has not texted or called to see if we got here ok… If we are alive and safe… Or even to just speak to the kids 😦

I know our breakup is inevitable, but I wish he would at least try and maintain a connection with the kids. The kids just see him as their dad that they love and who must love them… I have done my best to keep them out of any arguments, though he hasn’t made it easy. It breaks my heart that he has not got enough love in his heart for them to at least call and make sure they are ok 😦

I have been stressed about the whole move and actually being able to afford everything when it happens… I wanted the rental house stuff sorted but my tenant has been messing me about and lying it seems… It’s going to cost me extra time and money now to just evict her so that she can get a council house 😦 it’s so unreasonable considering I have been such a nice landlord to her… But guess what goes around comes around… Hopefully she will get her comeuppance some other way in the future. In the meantime, I have the stress of going through a legal process I know nothing about 😦

I’m sounding a bit doom and gloom today I know, guess all the worries overwhelm me sometimes.. However I know I need to stay positive for myself and my kids. My family have been supportive and have been giving me suggestions about my separation plans… Guess time will tell what happens 🙂

New beginnings…

It’s now March, I can’t believe so much time has passed already! All the deadlines I have been giving myself have started looming and it’s all making me very anxious 😖

However I have made some progress! In order to leave the marriage, I need an exit plan and that’s something I have been working on thankfully.

Firstly and most importantly, I need money. This has meant job hunting and putting my neck on the line.. The first job interview (LA) was awful. I came out of the interview feeling like crap. I actually don’t understand even now how they could’ve been so dismissive of me when I am so experienced and have evidence of continuously doing well 😳.

The second interview (BB)was better although much more exhausting. I was there all day with 5 other candidates. But truthfully, the atmosphere did not seem nice and the transport links were awful with no option for parking. I didn’t get the job but I agreed with the feedback.. It stated that they didn’t feel that I was as enthusiastic about working there compared to other candidates… They were right 😄😄

The third interview (EB)happened earlier this week, they wanted me to be there for 8:15! Bear in mind I was coming from anther city, it meant I had to wake up at 4:50am. Nuts!

However, once there I loved the place as soon as I walked in. Their staff was so much nicer and positive compared to the first 2 places. What’s weird is that it was actually a better company than the first 2 places as well and yet they were less snobby!

On the interview day I got to meet the whole team I would join if I got the job, the atmosphere was very relaxed. Later I had my interview and it felt much more like a conversation rather than the grilling I received from LA and BB.

They asked me to just step outside while they discussed my fate. At this point I was praying desperately to God to help me get this job. I took it as a good sign that they had asked me to wait rather than tell me they would be in touch…

They called me in after 10 minutes and offered me the job! I was so excited and amazed! Can’t believe I got into such a nice company! They also felt I would be an asset which is great as I feel like they recognise my worth 🙂

I stayed there for a bit and spoke with more team members. Then was absolutely giddy with delight as I made my way home later 🙂 I couldn’t stop smiling on the train and kept thinking I must look crazy…. But who cares! I got a job!! 😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃

Just need all the references, paperwork and checks to get sorted, once I see the contract I will feel more relaxed about it 🙂

Another step taken… Another step closer to D-Day… Operation Pheonix is underway!

This is not the end Of me…

I would like to start this blog as a log of my ups and downs and my journey to a happier place.

I am a mum of two and have been married for 9 years. However, the last 3 years have been spent realising that this marriage will not work… The love has gone, there is no consideration and what remains seems only bitterness and resentment on the part of my husband. 

Now my husband doesn’t want to separate or divorce as he feels we should stay together “for the children”. In reality he doesn’t want to split any assets and doesn’t want the hassle of his life being disturbed.

I have reached a point this year though where I have realised that enough is enough, I don’t want daily fights and arguments over petty issues. I don’t want a negative atmosphere in my house… I can not stay with him anymore.. For my sake or the kids sake either. I don’t believe that it’s healthy for them to grow up thinking that this kind of relationship is normal. I want my kids to be able to have friends around the house or have a birthday party without wondering if their dad will be in a mood and spoil things.

So the decision has been made.. The journey needs to now begin!